She’s Here!

Madeleine Claire arrived September 25, 2019 at 2:55pm. Weighing 7.1lbs & measuring 21.5″ long, she came into the world with her cord wrapped around her neck 4 times (!) and in just 3 pushes.

I’m finally sitting down to write about Madeleine’s birth story and I’m not sparing any details, so let’s do this!

Tuesday, September 24 at 4pm

Hubby and I went to my OBGYN for our regular weekly checkup. It has been a busy day of “nesting” and I already had slight contractions when I went into my appointment. My doctor had promised me that at this appointment, we would determine an induction date for our baby. No, baby wasn’t overdue, but according to our 32 week ultrasound, she was measuring in the 90th percentile. My doctor felt that we could minimize the risk of emergency C-section by inducing me at 39 weeks pregnant. I was game! I had been extremely uncomfortable since 37 weeks and the though of continuing on was unpleasant. During the appointment, my OBGYN gave me a “membrane sweep” which involved gently lifting the detal membrane from the cervix and lower part of the uterus. This “sweep” releases chemicals that help soften and open the cervix for delivery. With Charlotte, it resulted in natural labor just 1 day later. During the procedure, my doctor noted that I was already having contractions, so hopefully the “sweep” would speed things along.

Tuesday, September 24 at 7:30pm

After putting Charlotte to sleep, my contractions increased in urgency and frequency. I had been getting false labor pains since about 36 weeks, so I tried the best I could to ignore them. Hubby and I ordered Lebanese food, and by the time it arrived 30 minutes later, I could barely eat one bite because the contractions were so intense. I decided to start timing them. After 3 hours,  the contractions were coming every 3 minutes and lasting about 1 minute. We called the caseroom at the hospital and they said to come in! Hubby had been painting a dresser for Charlotte’s new room, so he asked me to wait 30 minutes while he finished, showered, and called his mom over to watch Charlotte. At about 10:30, my mother-in-law came over and by 11pm, we were in a taxi on the way to the hospital.

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Settling in for the night with the baby’s heart rate monitor & contraction monitor

Tuesday, September 24 at 11:00pm

We arrived at the hospital and there was nobody in the maternity ward! I was the only pregnant lady. VIP service! The nurses checked me out and noted I was about 3CM dilated, and decided to admit me. They put an IV in (IMHO it’s the worst part about giving birth!) and I cried because Pat had gone to fill out the paperwork and I was alone. Once we were settled in, we called my mom to come to the hospital. She was there for Charlotte’s birth and I needed her in the room for this one too. My mom is my biggest cheerleader & advocate, so I needed her with me just in case. Plus, I love my mom beyond words and wanted her to witness her second grandaughter being born! So my mom shows up, with my Dad in tow because my Dad is a total sweetie and wanted to wait in the waiting room until I gave birth. We all thought that baby girl’s arrival was imminent…

Wednesday, September 25 at 2:30am

Labor stalled. As I tried to get some rest, I noticed that contractions were few and far between. I was annoyed. I had rang the alarm and nothing was happening! The nurse poked around me and had me bounce on the birthing ball and walk around…but nothing was happening. And because there was no doctor in the ward that night since it was quiet, I had to wait until 8am for any kind of physical intervention (drugs, breaking water, etc) as only a doctor can do it. So, we waited…hubby slept on a vinyl pull-out chair that was too small for him, my mom slept in a rocking chair, and I slept in the bed feeling guilty as hell that I was inconveniencing everyone. Such a mom feeling!

Wednesday, September 25 at 8:00am

Doctor arrived! Hallelujah! Let’s get this show on the road. After yet another hand up the V, he agreed to induce me a day early. I was already scheduled for a Thursday induction, so I basically skipped the line by getting admitted early. So it was determined – Sept 25 will be baby’s birthday.

The nurses started me on a really low dose of Oxytocin to get the contractions going again. And then we played the waiting game… The contractions were really subtle at first, like a period cramp. The nurse kept increasing the dosage steadily, and I could breathe through them, or walk, or rock, or bounce on the birthing ball. From the beginning, I had made my intention of an epidural clear! I wanted those drugs. So, around 10am, I was about 5CM and had enough, so I asked for the anesthesiologist. Good thing I did! He was on his way to two emergency C-sections and ran into our room.

Wednesday, September 25 at 10:00am

I have a profound needle phobia. They really are the only thing I’m truly terrified of…so the epidural was a huge fear. With Charlotte, I was delirious with pain, so I think I blocked out the entire experience. But, this time, I wasn’t quite in tremendous pain yet, so I remember the entire thing clearly. I wiggled my way to the edge of the bed, and braced myself for impact. For epidurals, you have to curl your chin to you chest and CAN NOT MOVE (even if you’re having the worst contraction of your life). I remember telling the Dr, “Let me know when you start!” and he said, I’m already done. Epidurals are blissful.

Wednesday, September 25 at 11:00am

At this point, I was stuck on the bed, and not feeling any pain but feeling a lot of pressure with each contractions (guess this was the baby moving down into position). The contractions were steady, but I wasn’t moving past 5CM, so it was water breaking time. That was a weird experience. With Charlotte, my water broke naturally, but this time, the doctor broke it with what looked like a giant knitting needle. I felt like a giant balloon was deflated inside of me…it just kept going and going. Afterwards, the contractions changed and there was more pressure, but still, relatively pain free. Thank God.

Wednesday, September 25 at 1:00pm

The nurses had been monitoring the contractions and the baby’s heart rate from the beginning and noticed that her heart rate was dropping significantly with each contractions. At first they thought it was because the monitor (or baby) had moved, so they kept shifting it around on my belly, but ultimately, they determined that she wasn’t liking the high dose of Oxytocin I was getting at this point (I think the max was 120ML?)

They took me off the medicine, and waited to see if my body would start contractions on its own. It felt like nothing was happening and I was starting to get a little frustrated with the whole process. Was she ever going to get here?

Wednesday, September 25 at 2:00pm

I started to feel this weird pinching in my uterus, like someone was pinching me from the inside – almost like a runner gets a stitch in their side. With each contraction, it would get more and more uncomfortable. I wanted to get up and switch positions, but couldn’t because of the epidural. I could only roll from side to side.

Wednesday, September 25 at 2:50pm

Something didn’t feel right. The pinching was unbearable and suddenly, I felt huge pressure in my bum. That’s the pushing cue! Once the pressure moves from the front to the back and you feel the urgency to go poop, that’s how you know you’re ready to push. I called for the nurse, who immediately looked between my legs and yelled for the doctor. According to hubby, she yelled for the doc down the hallway and said “Dr, you don’t have time for those C-sections, she’s crowing!” At which point, the entire room mobilized and was flipped into a delivery room – lights on, stirrups up, crash cart, baby bassinet, doc in scrubs & mask.

The second my legs went up in the stirrups, I could hear my mom exclaim “I see her head!” The baby was literally THERE! I barely had time for 3 pushes and she was out. Well, that’s not true, at 1.5 pushes the doctor told me to STOP! She had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck 4 TIMES! That’s what accounted for the drop in heart rate. Because I had a lot of water, and an abnormally long umbilical cord, it was able to wrap itself around the baby’s neck, so with each contraction, it was getting tighter and tighter. The doctor said he had very rarely seen this in non-C section babies (of course I have to be the special case LOL). Anyways, he expertly cut the umbilical around her neck so as to unwrap it, and then 1.5 more pushes and there she was in my arms.

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Our first moment together. I was sobbing hysterically – I couldn’t believe she was real!

Wednesday, September 25 at 2:55pm

I was in shock. I remember sobbing hysterically saying, “she’s here, I can’t believe it! I thought she’d never come. Is she real?” After every delivery, there’s a flurry of activity and I remember looking over to the nurses holding her and noticed she looked a bit blue. The nurses rubbed her down and gave her a bit of a smack and she let out the biggest WAHHHH, and then was silent. So quiet that I thought something was wrong and began to cry louder. Thankfully, it’s just her little personality, because as they put this tiny little skinny thing in my arms, her eyes searched for mine. Love at first sight.

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My little long & lean baby – 7 pounds, 3 ounces of perfection.

The hospital where I delivered is a big breastfeeding advocate, so they allow for skin-to-skin with mama for an hour or so after delivery so baby doesn’t get measured/weighed right away. I was dying to know how big she was. She looked identical to Charlotte – my little stretched out rubber chicken, so long and lean. She took to the breast almost immediately (it’s funny how your body remember what to do). And there you have it…Miss Madeleine’s arrival into the world.

And now that she’s here…life will never be the same.

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Cute right from birth 🙂

REAL TALK: How was your birth story? Magical? Traumatic? Share below!

“It’s Like Riding a Bike” + GIVEAWAY

After a 16-month work hiatus (thank you Canada for your generous maternity leave), I’m back at work. Everything is different, but everything is the same. It’s kinda like riding a back…a bit awkward at first, but fun once you find your groove.

The thing that takes the most getting used to is my morning routine! Instead of pressing snooze 3 times and dozing until the last possible minute, I’m up with my alarm and get ready before Charlotte wakes up. My lunch is made the night before and my outfit is already picked out. This has kept the morning as stress-free as possible. The hardest part of my new normal is seeing Charlotte for less than 3 hours during the day – 45 mins in the morning, and an hour and a half in the evening, if I’m lucky. There’s not enough time to get in all of my kisses and cuddles.

Since so much of our day is spent on the go – daycare drop-off, work commute, daycare pickup, home – I decided to upgrade my diaper bag to something that was functional and easy to lug around. Kiddycare reached out to me and I LOVE their backpack-style diaper bag. Featuring a wide top-opening, waterproof pockets, insulated front pouch and even tissue slots! It’s roomy enough that it holds everything for baby and me. And the backpack style lets me be hands-free to grab Charlotte when she tries to run away (yes, we’ve reached the “chase-me” stage).

Images from Kiddycare & @justjenp Instagram

Because I love this bag so much, I’m giving one away to my followers! Thank you Kiddycare for sponsoring this contest.

To enter:

  1. Follow @justjenp & Kiddycare on Instagram
  2. Turn post notifications on for @justjenp
    • Open my profile page, tap the triple-dot button in upper-right, tap Turn on Post Notifications.
  3. Like my latest picture
  4. Tag your mommy BFF
  5. Comment “DONE

Contest ends Sept 14 at 7PM. One winner will be chosen at random and given a code to receive their Kiddycare bag. Winner is responsible for any duties or shipping costs incurred. Open to Canadian & USA residents. Contest is no way sponsored, endorsed or administered by, or associated with Instagram.

The First Day of Daycare

The day has come. I dropped Charlotte off at daycare this morning and felt like my heart was ripping out. I’m a pretty emotional person and a major crier, so it’s no surprise that my reaction has been extreme. But let’s start at the beginning so I can fully explain how I feel about daycare and how everything went down.

Pat and I both work and we love working. We’re both ambitious people and strive to be successful at whatever we do. Plus, we live pretty nicely so there was no question that I was going to give all of that up by reducing one salary. When we first starting thinking about childcare, we strongly considered a nanny. I grew up with nannies that I adored (Hi Kate, Hi Mary Ellen!) and I loved the idea of Charlotte being at home, in a safe and familiar environment. However, the cost of the nanny was unfeasible (even with government help) and Charlotte is a little social butterfly and loves being around other kids and adults.

 

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In fact, the thing that has had me the most stressed about daycare isn’t how Charlotte will react. When we visited the daycare, she was happy to go play with the other kids, and took a real liking to her daycare educator. What I’ve been most worried about is ME! The thought of someone other than family taking care of Charlotte freaks me out and has my anxiety in full blown panic mode. What if she hurts herself and I’m not there to soothe her? What if she needs a cuddle and the educator is busy with another kid? When you’re used to being available to your child 24/7, it’s hard to imagine them being OK without you. And selfishly, I want her to miss me. I want her to need me the most, because I need her the most.

Don’t get be wrong, it’s important for kids to be independent and learn how to soothe themselves. And to know that Mommy won’t always be there in the tough moments. But, I want Charlotte to love me the most and part of my anxiety stems from the question of whether she’ll like her new educators more than me. Crazy right? I didn’t say it was rational…

So this is how the first day of daycare went down. Last night, Charlotte decided she wanted to be awake and running laps in her crib from 11pm-2am. Perhaps she had picked up on Mommy’s anxiety? And then she woke up at 6:30am this morning. We were already in trouble before the day even began! Hubby was at work by 6am, so I got Charlotte up, dressed and fed and we headed over to the daycare around 9am. I was a bundle of nerves! My hands were shaking…I couldn’t figure out how the code to the daycare door worked. I could feel my anxiety growing and growing and didn’t want it to rub off on Charlotte.

When we got there, they were serving snack and Charlotte immediately was entranced. She literally sat right down at the table, stole another kid’s sippy and started to eat. I was trying not to cry and embarrass myself! I don’t even remember saying goodbye to her because I was so flustered. The rational part of me knows I’m doing what is best for her and our family, but the emotional part has completely taken over and all I can think about is: “Does she understand that I’m coming back?” But because she seemed so happy there, I exited quickly. The daycare educator assured me that she’d call if there was anything.

On the drive home, I was a wreck! But I knew that Charlotte was fine. I was so surprised to get a call from the daycare saying that she had been crying. Mom’s intuition kicked in right away…her crappy night and early morning meant that I had a tired little nugget on my hands. So 2 hours after dropping her off, I was picking her up and let me tell you…she was has never been happier to see me. She was so happy that her smile went immediately to big tears. Oh my heart! As I whisked her away to nap at home, her little arms clung to my neck and I no longer felt like an emotional wreck. I felt strong and capable. Nothing makes you get over yourself faster than when your kid needs you. Period.

We’ll try the same routine tomorrow. Dropoff around 9am and pickup before naptime. Hoping she can do 3 hours, and then 4, and then nap, and then a full day. Tomorrow will get a little easier, and the next day even easier. So glad that we survived day #1 and that you were all there to share it with me. Thank you to everyone who shared their experience with me. It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone and that this is a milestone all working moms have to conquer.

REAL TALK: How was daycare transition for you? Was it rough? A breeze? Share you thoughts & experiences below!

Plus Mommy Podcast

You know when you meet someone and you just feel like you’ve known them forever? That’s how I felt when I “met” Jen McLellan, aka Plus Mommy, aka the plus size pregnancy guru. Jen and I connected through Tess Holliday, plus size model/author/mom, when we organized an informal Instagram live chat about postpartum anxiety (Tess and I both suffered from PPA). And how do I know Tess? Through my work, of course. Phew! That’s a lot of background info!

Anyways, Jen has a super fabulous podcast called “The Plus Mommy” which covers topics around plus size pregnancy. Her website, Plus Size Birth, provides positive resources for plus size people who are trying to conceive or pregnant – form where to find plus size maternity clothes to connecting with a size-friendly care provider and so much more!

I was beyond thrilled when Jen asked me to come on her podcast to chat about my experience – from conception, to pregnancy, to delivery and postpartum. It honestly felt like chatting with an old friend. I’ve talked about my pregnancy experience HERE, but it was interesting to examine it through the lens of a plus size woman.

Video courtesy of Plus Mommy

I could transcribe the entire podcast here because it’s too fantastic to not share, but I’ll save it for the sound byte.

You can listen to Jen & I chat HERE. Scroll down to the bottom for audio.

You can also listen on ITUNES!

 

Real Talk: Did you have a plus size pregnancy? What were some of the misconceptions you had?

 

The End of the Journey

I weaned Charlotte off the boob last week. The end.

Ah, if only it was that simple. Breastfeeding hasn’t been an easy journey. You can read about it HERE and HERE. And the decision to stop nursing Charlotte didn’t come lightly, or quickly. Here’s how it all went down…

At around 11 months and some change, Charlotte had her first nursing strike. At that point, she was only nursing twice a day – when she first woke up in the morning and at night before bed. I loved it! It was our cuddle time together and a slow start to the morning and the perfect wind-down to the day. But, out of nowhere, she refused to latch for more than 5 seconds and would even push my breast away and arch her back when I tried to snuggle her in close! I was offended at first, then doubted myself, then sad. I felt like I had failed her in some way and failed as a mom. And I certainly wasn’t ready at that point to let breastfeeding go!

11 months into motherhood, I had a bit of experience under my belt, so I knew that Charlotte’s nursing strike was temporary and that she’d soon be back to her twice a day feeds. And I was right. A few days later, she was back at it, like nothing had happened. Not long after, I noticed her gums were swollen and red. Teething was back with a vengeance…and this time it was the dreaded molars!

So we continued along with our twice-a-day nursing sessions, until about two weeks ago, when she absolutely refused to have anything to do with am/pm cuddles and my boobs. She actually started crying when I tried to put her to the breast. She would flail her little body around, smacking me in the face with her hands and kicking me in the stomach. It was very annoying. And it was precisely because I was so annoyed that I decided to stop nursing her cold turkey.

When we started nursing, I’d “check in” with myself every 3 months for a little status update – was this still working for me? For Charlotte? And as time went by, breastfeeding got easier and easier. We developed a rhythm that structured our day. Truth is, I would have continued for another year if it wasn’t for her strike.

I know for a lot of moms, weaning their child can be an emotional experience. And part of me is sad that my little baby has taken a step away from me and towards independence. But, that also makes me a little happy and a little proud. Charlotte feels confident and secure enough in herself to self-soothe and knows she is getting my love and comfort from other venues than just my breasts.

There are some negatives to weaning… My once-full breasts are now hanging lower and feel like semi-deflated balloons. Also, putting her to sleep for the night has become a bit tougher because she doesn’t have as much wind-down time from bath to bed. And she’s WAY more energetic in the mornings than she used to be, which means mama is doing double-shots of espresso in the AM.

I have been giving her a bottle of breastmilkd before bed of my breastmilk. I have saved up quite the stash when I used to pump before bed and in the middle of the night. And tonight, it’s my last bag of milk. So as I close this chapter of our breastfeeding journey, I start a new one – one that will see Charlotte transition from wide-eyed infant to curious toddler. I’m so exciting to see what’s to come.

P.S. I’m so glad I captured these nursing moments when she was 5 weeks old. The way that I’m looking at her gets me so emotional every time I look at these pictures!

 

 

REAL TALK: When did you wean your little one? Was it emotional? Or was it just the next step? Tell me in the comments below!

#MamaMojo

When I started my blog a little more than a year ago, my intention was to document my life. I shared my pregnancy, work-life, baby pics, what I wore, where I was going and what I was doing. But recently, I’ve had an epiphany…and it started because a stranger reached out to me through my Facebook page to tell me how she found my page “inspirational.” She commended me for being positive and feeling great in my skin. I thanked her, of course, but it started my wheels turning.

Not too long after that, I hosted a Facebook Live for my mommy group about how to dress your postpartum body. And one of the things that kept coming up was the word “flattering” (which I HATE!)  Moms wanted to know what to wear to “flatter” their new body. They asked me where to shop because the stores they used to go felt “too young” now. They told me how they were stuck in a rut, wearing the same black leggings every day. As I spoke to them, the re-occurring theme was how they feel lost and unsure of their new identities as moms. Pregnancy is a whooper on your entire physical and mental state and coming out the other side, it’s difficult to recognize yourself and connect with the “new” you! I’m talking about simple things like dressing your new “mom bod”, skin care, and self-care. As I answered their questions, I emphasized how important it is to find what they love about themselves, as they are now, and celebrate it. I wanted to let each mom know that they are worth investing in!

As I’ve discussed before, I still struggle to accept my new mom bod. But the one thing I refused to do is to let whatever self-doubt I have, get in the way of enjoying myself. Also, I’ve continued to do the things that I love to do, even with a baby in tow. Why can’t you be a fashion-lover, beauty addict, travel junkie, boss lady AND a Mom? Just because you’ve had a child, it doesn’t mean that you’ve stopped being who you are!

That’s when I came up with #MAMAMOJO. It’s the magical essence that you have as a woman and as a mother. It’s that thing that makes you do a double take in the mirror and give yourself a smile. It’s the power of looking and feeling your best just as you are. As I meet and connect with other moms and women, I want to encourage and support them to feel good about themselves and connect with their mama mojo! I feel so impassioned and motivated by this new motto and hope that it resonates for you too.

And it’s all thanks to you, lovely mommies! Thank you to all the amazing moms who’ve reached out to me to tell me how my voice has encouraged them to take a little more time for themselves…whether that be to put on some lipstick, take a time out to read a new book, buy a pretty new dress, or simply look in the mirror and truly love what you see.

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I found this dress at a street fair last year and every time I wear it, I feel like a boho goddess! Do you have that one piece of clothing that makes you feel amazing every time you wear it? Photo credit: Grey Cat Studio

REAL TALK: How do you find your own #MAMAMOJO?

Reflections on the First Year

Oh hi there! Have you missed me? Sorry I’ve been quiet but I’ve been busy planning the event of the year…Charlotte’s first birthday! I am in awe that my little nugget turns ONE of June 2. If you need a refresher of my birth story…read here.

I have a few outfits planed for various pre-bday celebrations for Charlotte, but this is the one I keep coming back to. I discovered Pink Blush while I was pregnant and absolutely loved the style and fit of their clothes. The maternity clothes showed off my growing bump, were feminine and actually COOL. Many of their pieces can be worn post-baby too, like this gorgeous floral kimono. So far this week, I’ve thrown it on over everything from jeans and a tee, to a sundress. I plan on wearing a printed maxi at Charlotte’s actual birthday tomorrow, so look forward to that post!

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This maternity kimono is so pretty! It’s lightweight, sexy and super feminine. I’m wearing an XL. It’s from my absolutely favorite online shop Pink Blush Maternity.

I never believed when other parents would say “they grow up so fast” but here we are in the blink of an eye. I still remember so vividly the feeling of Charlotte’s little hands grabbing my finger for the first time, then the warmth of her body when they put her on my chest and the smooth, fuzziness of her skin…sorry getting lost in thought (and in tears over here).

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How Charlotte and I spent the first 3 months together

I said to my husband the other day that I wish I could go back and do it all over again, just to be able to spend more time with her as a wee little baby. I tried the best I could to savour each moment with her, to be present in the moment and cement it in my mind. But as she grows and changes, new memories and moments take their place and memories of her lying on my chest, or falling asleep in my arms drift further and further away.

Growing up is bittersweet. Seeing your baby take a first step is momentous and exciting, but it also takes her one step further from being carried everywhere by mommy. Just one of the many opposite thoughts I’ve had as a mommy in the last year.
Speaking of mommies…The other day, in my mommy group, we went around in a circle and each woman shared what motherhood meant to her.

Here’s what I said:

“Motherhood is like a piece of your heart existing outside of your body. You entire happiness is wrapped up in one little person.”
“Motherhood is a secret society that I’ve been initiated into. Our secret handshake are the bags under our eyes and the love in our hearts for our kids.”

And you can definitely quote me on that!

Stay tuned for a post with all the birthday details…gotta go, still lots of decorating to do!

REAL TALK: How do you feel about your kid growing up? Does it make you want to cry? Or, does it make you excited for what’s to come next?